Snow Globe Living and Pajama Jeans? (pg 25)

To quote a dear friend: "I feel like I am living in a snow globe"! It is not bad enough that my patience is on the lowest end of a scale (if there was a scale of measurement for such a virtue) but seriously all this snow is hindering progress here. Ok, well that's a bit dramatic, cause the latest is:
I have been off pain meds for 3 days now, am able to sleep on my belly and actually slept a whole 8 hours like a normal person last night. I woke up and accomplished some errands via the internet, had some long over due conversations with some favorites. Than I decide ok, I am gonna go make me some food, uhuh ummm ya...that is when my body said "please lady go back to bed your not strong enough yet".  So frustrating, I get brain busy and then try to just do normal stuff but......ya I know I am growing a liver, right?  Dad, he too is still having the frustration wanting to make bigger strides, but he definitely is, I see it, even if he does not. Truth is we both are but since I am his child it makes perfect sense that neither of us feel like we are getting better. He no longer needs the visiting nurse and is becoming more independent with his own basic needs, but he is still on the oxygen but that will take time. One day I will be writing that he is sailing somewhere minus the O2.
As for Lynne the snow gives her a good excuse  to go outside and "exercise", while all I can do is watch the snow collect on Libby, my Jeep and think man I wanna drive her so bad!!  It would not surprise me if she built her self a igloo just to have a place to hide from Dad and I. Our discussions are usually about twisted potty humor, aches and pains that would aggravate anyone that has been stuck listening to this for as long as she has.
I wear every variation of sweat suits and pajama's and a constant pony tail daily. All I wanna do is wear my normal clothes and get in my Jeep and just drive till the air gets warmer and I can stand in the ocean. Every day is a day closer to that and now that I am awake and have my clarity back, the writer, the planner, the gotta go in me is coming back faster and stronger then ever, this will be a great year with out a doubt. I have many doors to revisit and just say "yes" to. I am grateful for the friends that are more like sisters and a brother that have been continuing to reassure me that all that I started prior to this is still waiting for me and have the balls to tell me to "shut up" "slow down"  "let me help" and "just rest".  Soon I will be finishing my rehabilitating with Cindy at her home, with her help the walk before the "run" will do me good, as I miss the mirth of my Ladies and their children and to be surrounded by them and their beautiful light is truly the best medicine. 
I was thinking since I feel like everything is so far away, like wearing regular clothes and driving, maybe I should buy some Pajama jeans and get on the stationary bike....hmmmm...could help....

"She loves the serene brutality of the ocean, loves the electric power she felt with each breath of wet, briny air."

Living like Cats (pg 24)

Jan 19th 2011
Ok so they (Lahey) did say that I would only want to eat and sleep living like a Cat. So far since last week all
I have accomplished is:

Nap 4 hours, eat something high in protein awake for 2 hours, nap for 4 hours, watch tv that I can not comprehend anything, take a shower that makes me need to nap immediately after for 1 hour. Than it is eat and sleep some more. I try to avoid mirrors or perhaps it is that I can no longer be seen in mirrors since Igor the anesthesiologist got to me, hmmm Vampire? Nah hate blood, but holy mess when I look in the mirror I see a super white almost glistening white chick, ya not pretty, avoidance is key! I definitely try to force my self to do more, my brain says get moving lazy ass, but my body she feels like broken doll parts.
Cindy did get me out the house last Saturday for 3 hours, my eyebrows looked like Snufalupagus's sister, so we tamed them and she took me to Not Your Average Joe's for lunch, mid way through she knew it was time to go I was ready to face plant in my plate and just snooze. It felt good to get out, to breath in the air and be grateful for what I have and who I have and not once think of the have not's.  My son came home from his Hobo Outdoor Woodsman Camping trip down the Florida Keys, he left right after my surgery and his sense of adventure, wisdom and confidence along with him sending me pictures helped me through some rough healing moments too.

Tommy's Camp view from across the way.

O yeah I have my moments when I cry like I am 5 cause it hurts and the shear gravity of this journey when you stop and think about it really is something words can not describe but some how tears make it all ok, if that makes any sense. None of it is sadness I just  truly I have no words to explain so I guess crying is what gets me through to the next day since I have no patience!!

My scar is healing pretty nicely, my yukky smelly booboo near my belly button has healed up and I am bandage free and o yeah I show my scar to anyone who asks, lol, cause well I am not shy and it is a testament to the miracles that can happen if you only just believe. Someone said to me once, "when you gonna get it, no one cares and no one is watching" Well I care and a I am always watching and that is what matters because it only takes one person to care to make a change.
I like to think someday I will write a book about my eclectic life I have lived, but I am not ready to write it all yet the best is still to come, of that I am sure. So for now I will just blog and live like a cat..........

Follow up Appoinments...(pg23)

Jan 10, 2011.
Yesterday was Lynne's birthday the 9th, and despite taking care of us two drug induced Nimrods I think this was a good one for her. We made it to Lahey for our 1 week follow up, let's just say if you have small children than you know what Lynne had to go through with packing up the car to get us up there. She employed her sister Sue to help, hahaha seriously if only I had my wits about me to take pictures or flipcam this ride. Sue trying to avoid bumps, taking wrong directions from my Dad who was ummm just a little bit high on pain meds and Lynne constantly looking in the back seat to see if we were both sitting up right and asking if we need "snacks".  Me just staring at my Dad cause well Vicadin makes you do weird things, hahaha, we truly were two Bobo's in the back seat and if we licked windows I don't think anyone would have thought less of us on this day.
Our appointments went well, Dad has to go back every week, me not till the Jan. 25th. I was told I am healing quickly (speaking of the incision only) my blood work showed all my 42% of what is left of my liver is growing and that all functions are normal. Even though I still have a funky open wound that kinda stinks, they said it was fine, ya whatever who I am to argue. Sue stayed with me, haha poor thing she was introduced to the constant go here go there Lahey schedule we have endured, like me she has no stomach for this medical stuff, but she taped up my bandaged pretty awesome compared to the first the taping I had. O Susie, how I love her, she and I have a great history and her sense of humor that helped get through this day.
Lynne was with Dad for his appointments and he too is getting there, he has yet to take any of is diabetic meds (he was on insulin) so hmmm perhaps he got some magic from me in the form of my liver. This day was the longest day ever so it seemed, we arrived back home around 2pm and that was the end of the day and night for us..we slept till midnight and than met in the living room around 1am for some Eldurado with John Wayne, not one of my favorite John Wayne's  but whatever it's 1am.

Daddy's Home (pg 22)

1/6/2011 After my week of ache, pains and just down right feeling like I got hit by a truck, and yessa I sure do look like caca too. My Auntie Sue came to visit me and her visit did me good, we giggled and reminisced and if you know my Auntie Sue than you know how funny she is, and although she has he own daughter Ashley my Auntie and I have always had a close relationship. It's funny when you get older and have your own children that sometimes you forget all the silliness of your childhood growing up in a large family. We Charbonneau's despite how large this family is we are close and it would never be fair to say that I went through this journey alone,(though there are moments that I do feel alone, cause well, your pain is your pain and it can not be shared, so you cry a little and than you just suck it up) this family truly knows when to come close and keep the laughter going to get through whatever crisis that is going on. So anyway Dad came home and it was not a great luxury ride home for him either, truthful to say he looked like crap too. His first two night were as bad as mine, painful but grateful to be ALIVE!!  The gravity of what I did finally started to sink in when the only thing my Dad could and wanted to was to hug Lynne and I. Once again we tried to not cry or laugh because every basic function has a consequence of "ouch". 
I finally slept for 4 hours straight comfortably.
The days to follow Dad and I sleep like infants, eat a little, stay up late watching old movies and talking about everything and nothing. For every 2 days that I heal he is right behind me healing too. It has been comical because he and I discuss the new "ouch" in places where the swelling has gone down. We have what I like to refer to as Frankenstein Belly's. Dad has drains that need to be emptied. Lynne and some of the visiting nurses handle that cause ummmm eeewwww, I have just finally been able to look at my boo boo. I am not one for  blood and goopy stuff. Every medical professional in my family and extended  all tell me my incision looks beautiful and it will heal awesome, ya blah blah..if ya ask me it's just gross and it can be covered.  Ya I am kinda vain, but so what, my mother raised me to not go out in your pajama's and at the very least throw on some mascara cause sometimes that's all ya got when you feel like a truck hit to make you feel girly again. Dad was growing a beard, due to the effort to shave was to hard and potential dangerous, haha, I was 11 when I last saw him with a beard,but he looked pretty cool.  Despite our aches and pains, the Vicodan I take and the Oxycodon he takes makes us become super silly, poor Lynne she needs a vacation cause our humor can be pretty twisted and apparently I my babble and my father's babble just goes on and on. The dreams I have on this stuff, I feel like I am in a constant kaleidoscope of psychedelic I should have been a child of the 60's kinda of stuff.  I am only taking this stuff twice a day now and finally able to sleep on my both my right and left side, I can shower and put on my own pajama's and I am still a Toy's R Us kid!!

Discharge and Babble On...........(pg 21)

1/3/2011.....So my Nurse Regina(?) I just cant seem to remember any of their names except Jenny and Kerri, which I feel bad about cause they deserve some recognition for all they did for me. Anyway she comes into my room and laughs cause I had about 8 to 10 pillows and pretty much made my bed a cradle and says "Well woman your outta here, finally get your own bed".  Now most would be over joyed, me I was scared for many reasons. One I did not want to leave my Dad, I wanted us to come home together and mostly because I had no idea how I was gonna handle the pain that was going to come. Yes I had and have Lynne but this was a whole new chapter of this journey my brain could not wrap around. Lynne and my Gramma came for me and before I left I stopped to see Dad to say good bye and whoa the tears just fell out and I remember thinking it but never saying it that I did not want to leave there unless I was guaranteed he would come home too, nothing is guaranteed in life and even though I knew he would be fine it still was scary. Some where in this I kept forgetting I am 39, but when it is your parent no matter how old you are everything you know about maturity eludes you. I left my Dad my Squeeze pillow pet with the promise that he bring it home.
The best part of the ride home was actually pulling into the drive way and sitting on the porch for 10 minutes to feel the cold air, get rid of the hospital smell and just feel alive.
I thank the gods, the goddess's and who or whatever higher being there is for Lynne, the next 3 days she took care of me in ways that I can never even find the right words to say thank you. The pain was intense, showering was a project and changing my dressings.....lets just say I have yet to really look at my wounds. I am covered in bruises from the pick lines and have been moving like I am dragging 2000lbs of broken bones around. I could not seem to manage my pain with the meds they gave me mostly because I was not able to eat well enough. I cried (and I still cry) I tried to find a position to sleep that was comfortable, and for three days I just could not sleep. Lynne and I sat on the bathroom floor one night because I got such  a head rush from trying to do to much to fast and I could not figure out if I was gonna vomit or pass out, and she just sat there with me until I pulled it together. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say I felt helpless and needing help, I have always been the "helper" or just sucked up what ever my malfunction was and dealt with it, but Lynne made me feel really ok to just be vulnerable and hold her hand.
A lot my problem was anxiety because my Dad was not home yet and no matter what I tried I could only sleep 2 hours at a time. Lynne  and I spent odd hours nibbling on food and tea and watching tv. I am grateful that for the first 3 days that I was home that my Dad was not because it would have been way to much for Lynne and it was  the time I needed to get it together so that when Dad did come home I could be more independent to allow Lynne to care for him. Plus we had a some good girl giggles and bonding.
I have to say I feel bad for woman that have a Stepmom that they are not close with like I am with Lynne, I am fortunate beyond measure, I have two Mom's and both my Mom and SMum have been great influences in my life, and my love for both of them is equal, I have never felt that I needed to chose. I love and respect Lynne as if she is my biological mother but she is also my best friend and spending time with her is always fun, and the laughter and memories we have created through this journey I could babble on about forever.

Nazi Nurse!!!! (pg 20)

Jan 2nd...ah yes lucky ole me and the joys of female indoor plumbing, not only have I been sliced open and have bruises and tubes sticking out of me but I get my period!! Not at all accommodating is the Nazi Nurse I had this day...I tell her what I need and she looks at me and says o well I don't think we have that but I will get you something..o gee lady thanks! ( she speaks in a thick Lithuanian accent and is not at all as sweet and nice as my other Nurses) She comes back with those things men just never want to hear about so I will keep it light, anyway my iron is low, my potassium is low and my magnesium is low..well Hello I wonder why!?! Now I am no Nurse or Doctor nor ever want to be but even I know what is going here. So later around 8pm she comes back to my room after all my visitors had left. Kellie, Joc, Julie, Tony, Wendy and Johnny which I would like to say thank you for coming and I am not responsible for anything I may have said or how I looked. Got Eyebrows that look like Snuffalupagus! So anyway Nazi nurse comes back with a drip juice bag and shoves another line in my arm to give me potassium chloride, this people was like battery acid being dripped into me! I cried like a little girl, big baby doll tears and all begging her to take it out that I could not handle anymore. She said NO, you need this and walked out of my room. All I know is a fired off semi plea for help to Denise via Itouch and with in minutes she was back taking it out and giving me a powder mix to drink. I never saw her again after that, her bedside manner was horrible and she had no sense of humor, I hope she and  I never meet  again in a desolate hospital hallway cause she will be eating a bed pan.
This was the only and one incident that was horrible at my stay at Lahey. The days I was there it was mostly filled with alot of pain meds and laughter. I gave my Dad the "bullshit button" for Christmas which he brought with him to the hospital, it is like the Easy Button just says a few Bullshit quibs, but it was a hit and us Charbonneau's became the favorite's of the Nurses. I also feel that I must  advise to never watch T.V. there since it is $12.75 a day and ya I still can't get past that, but they give you 2 free channels one being PBS, ya ummm drugs and the Electric Company do not mix I was over stimulated like a lunatic toddler and having some amazing techna color dreams.

Happy New Year!! (pg 19)

                                           This is Alaris My Bartender..............

So it's 5a.m. in the Lahey Clinic and Dad is finally on the same floor as me, I did sleep for four hours straight after the 900th time of asking the nurses if he was ok, since I only got to see him for a short bit earlier. So I decided to Grab Alaris my Bartender and have a nurse walk with me to my father's room to share New Years Day at 5am. The Nurse tells me O you can go anywhere you like with out asking us..Really!?! my eyes are rolling around my head and I am wearing a  "Fall Risk" bracelet but hey ok...with a good mix of Diloted and Adavan I stumble to Dad's side of the world. They kept us apart to so we would have to walk to each other.  Dad and I had a chit chat and for the first time in 39 years I felt like I was 4 all over again. I found the smallest space in bed next to my Dad in the crook of his arm and we cried, not sure for what or why, but we did. We kept telling each other not to cry cause holy hot mess it HURT!!! He calls me his Hero, not so sure how I feel about such a title,sort does not fit because well he would have done it for me. Needless to say between the pain and the drugs I dragged ass back to my side of the world, where screamer lady finally shut up and went to sleep. New Years Day was  in my opinion a Beautiful Blurr.