1/3/2011.....So my Nurse Regina(?) I just cant seem to remember any of their names except Jenny and Kerri, which I feel bad about cause they deserve some recognition for all they did for me. Anyway she comes into my room and laughs cause I had about 8 to 10 pillows and pretty much made my bed a cradle and says "Well woman your outta here, finally get your own bed". Now most would be over joyed, me I was scared for many reasons. One I did not want to leave my Dad, I wanted us to come home together and mostly because I had no idea how I was gonna handle the pain that was going to come. Yes I had and have Lynne but this was a whole new chapter of this journey my brain could not wrap around. Lynne and my Gramma came for me and before I left I stopped to see Dad to say good bye and whoa the tears just fell out and I remember thinking it but never saying it that I did not want to leave there unless I was guaranteed he would come home too, nothing is guaranteed in life and even though I knew he would be fine it still was scary. Some where in this I kept forgetting I am 39, but when it is your parent no matter how old you are everything you know about maturity eludes you. I left my Dad my Squeeze pillow pet with the promise that he bring it home.
The best part of the ride home was actually pulling into the drive way and sitting on the porch for 10 minutes to feel the cold air, get rid of the hospital smell and just feel alive.
I thank the gods, the goddess's and who or whatever higher being there is for Lynne, the next 3 days she took care of me in ways that I can never even find the right words to say thank you. The pain was intense, showering was a project and changing my dressings.....lets just say I have yet to really look at my wounds. I am covered in bruises from the pick lines and have been moving like I am dragging 2000lbs of broken bones around. I could not seem to manage my pain with the meds they gave me mostly because I was not able to eat well enough. I cried (and I still cry) I tried to find a position to sleep that was comfortable, and for three days I just could not sleep. Lynne and I sat on the bathroom floor one night because I got such a head rush from trying to do to much to fast and I could not figure out if I was gonna vomit or pass out, and she just sat there with me until I pulled it together. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say I felt helpless and needing help, I have always been the "helper" or just sucked up what ever my malfunction was and dealt with it, but Lynne made me feel really ok to just be vulnerable and hold her hand.
A lot my problem was anxiety because my Dad was not home yet and no matter what I tried I could only sleep 2 hours at a time. Lynne and I spent odd hours nibbling on food and tea and watching tv. I am grateful that for the first 3 days that I was home that my Dad was not because it would have been way to much for Lynne and it was the time I needed to get it together so that when Dad did come home I could be more independent to allow Lynne to care for him. Plus we had a some good girl giggles and bonding.
I have to say I feel bad for woman that have a Stepmom that they are not close with like I am with Lynne, I am fortunate beyond measure, I have two Mom's and both my Mom and SMum have been great influences in my life, and my love for both of them is equal, I have never felt that I needed to chose. I love and respect Lynne as if she is my biological mother but she is also my best friend and spending time with her is always fun, and the laughter and memories we have created through this journey I could babble on about forever.
Mellie, You are growing in immeasurable ways. <3 FF.
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