“A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.”
Enid Bagnold Jan 29 2011, It is the one month Anniversary of Deliva da Liva!!
I have hesitated to write or to post anything because my Dad has been sick, he was running a fever and really was not looking good. I was scared and trying to figure out what I was thinking and feeling. I was afraid that he was "rejecting" my piece of liver and to be honest I could not wrap my mind around the "what if". Needless to say this journey is one that has had many risks and what if's and sometimes my humor is just is not there. Rejection on any level sucks as we all know, but what I was trying to brace myself for was, well let's just say I was having feelings of guilt, like a child that did something wrong and had a million other emotions that had no explanation. I let Lynne handle this, while I just hid in my room with my personal journal writing words that I hoped would ease the fear.
2/1/2011 It took Lynne and my Uncle Kevin 3 hours to get my Dad to Lahey due to this wonderful weather we are having. I stayed home with a huge case of cabin fever and trying to find distractions until I got word on what was up with Dad.
It turns out that he just had a bug and some antibiotics did the trick. His piece of my liver is working, growing and grafting as it should. My Dad's healing is going to take much longer than me, he did have the worse case of HPS, and was living on the lowest amount of oxygen before the surgery. It will take time for his body to "learn" to be fully functional which for him is frustrating, because he has been living as a sick person for so long that it seems like it will never end. It will, he knows it, we know it but it does not lessen the frustration of not being able to just get up and go.
As for me, I am no longer living like an infant where I was sleeping 4 hours and awake for 2. I can take a shower with out wanting to pass out. I can sneeze, touch my big toe to my nose, my knee to my chin, semi run up the stairs, stay awake all day and eat normally. Now you laugh, well let me tell you a week ago I was still feeling like a just a warm useless body. What is amazing is how every little thing you do every day, from simply bending over to blow drying your hair you take for granted, well they were all difficult for me to do, but everyday I have been able to do something that seems so small but to me is a "YIPPY" moment. The one thing I so need to do is drive, I am wanderer and my greatest joy is the freedom to just get in the car, blast my tunes and roam, but the weather is really hindering this last piece I need to feel like I am back to me. My scar is still a little tender and seriously it is so itchy sometimes I feel like I need to stick my hand down my throat and scratch myself on the inside. I am told this just means I am healing.
So what have I learned one month out from surgery? Never take anything or anyone for granted, it truly is the little things that matter the most. People may offer you help and they have great intentions in their words, but you truly learn who you can count on in times like these. I have a handful of friends that have really stepped up, my gratitude is immense and I believe they know who they are. Family is everything and learning to be vulnerable and ask for help has been a whole new world for me too. I learned that as much as I believe that laughing is the best healer I also learned that crying also has it's place in the process too. I would do this all over again, with out a doubt except the one thing that I believe needs to be in this process of testing is the human perspective. Everything is so clinical, and you have consultations with everyone under the sun and it leaves you just feeling like a lab rat at times. I believe that with in the process every single person that is deciding to be a donor should speak to someone like me to get the "real deal" and be able to ask questions that are based on experience from a person that actually had the surgery and not the people who are performing it. Meeting the Sullivans two days before my surgery was divine intervention, but some things should just be part of the program and not an option. So again, yes I would do this, I have no regrets and this Friday is my one month follow up at Lahey and truly am looking forward to seeing my "people" and share some laughter. I will learn how much of my liver has grown in a month too!
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