10/29/2011
I just found this song and for those of that have been walking this incredibly challenging journey over the past year, this song hits home. Click the link...when words fail music speaks..........
Scar Anna Nalick
I have had the pleasure of making some great friendships on this journey and it is with heavy heart that I tell you that this year two amazing souls lost the battle with their disease. With the greatest of courage, strength and love Tricia Cushing of Ct. and Founder of Star Fish Strong had to let go and say "see you later" to her life partner Michael J. Parillo (October 23, 1954 - July 16, 2011) Michael lived every moment with the same zest as anyone with out liver disease, Tricia started Star Fish Strong for Michael and for others battling liver cancer or any type of liver disease, Michael was active in the foundation as well. As with any prideful man Michael did not give up until his body could no longer hold his spirit, and he was not alone when he crossed over and I am quite sure he is with Tricia everyday in spirit pushing her to keep on going as if he were still here.
Michele Mulligan one of the very first to reach out to me in the very beginning of this journey, when I was asking questions on the Facebook page of American Liver Foundation, her life partner, love of her life Darian fought the same disease as my father, however Darian's disease progressed rapidly and Darian crossed this past summer. She is a still with Michele in Spirit and we know this with out a single doubt. Michele has become very special to me, mostly because she truly understood the disease my father had and the struggle to get back to health. I could write an entire blog on how special Michele and Darian are to me, but sometimes there are not enough words to explain, Michele would agree that there is just a beautiful knowing between us.
This blog has brought many emails and friends thanking me for my candor and the humor, and it is not with out appreciation for the thanks but I do not feel that I have done anything extraordinary, other than liking to write, rant or babble. What I am truly grateful for is the people that I have met along the way and made lasting friendships with, although none of us have physically met there is no doubt that our friendships will continue to grow. I have come to believe in law of attraction more so than ever, the friends I have made through out this journey aside from our common bond are people I would have befriended anyway. Michele, Tricia, Amy Tippin (the proprietress of ROCK SCAR LOVE) Christy & Jessika Thompson, Kelly Thorman-Kleinschmidt, Jennifer Bryant, Broghann Fles these are all strong, vibrant, funny, courageous woman that make you stop and take notice. These are the people that I am honored to call friend along with so many others, these are just a few of the many amazing human beings I am have met along the way. Anyway I am babbling again...but take a listen to the song it truly hits home....and do not for get to check out ROCK SCAR LOVE............(yes I am plugging,lol)
Father's Day 2011
Dear Dad,
Happy Father's Day! I am kinda tapped out on idea's of what to get you this year, I think I may have out done myself in the gift giving department this year (next year for sure I will get you whatever manly power tool you want) plus Hallmark just does not seem to have a fitting card for where we have been over the last year......
From where we were a year ago to where we are today it has been a hell of journey especially these last 7 months. Although sometimes I know it feels like it is never ending for you. I also know how hard this has been on you as a parent, being one myself I too am not sure how I would have handled this with Tommy if it were me. I like to believe that I was able to do what I did because of the parents that brought me into this world to begin with and that the same would be done for me if things were reversed.
I have not revisited this blog in sometime, though I tell the story of us I still can not go back and read my own words yet, it is still very surreal. I am grateful that between us we can laugh about all the drug induced sillyness,the 4am John Wayne movies,protein shakes, the "eew that's so gross", gurgling, sleeping, can't sleep, hospital smell, miserable itching, pulling and overwhelming need to just swear it out, because unless others shared our pain, it is just easier to bitch it out to each other.
So for right now all I know how to say to you is Thank you.
Thank you for wanting to stay here, thank you for fighting with me to keep you here, thank you for not giving up, thank you for allowing me, thank you for trusting, thank you for having faith in me, thank you for allowing your self to find courage in the face of fear. Most of all thank you for being my Father and after all these years becoming my friend. I love you Dad!!
Bile Bags, Birthdays & Bullshit Buttons....(pg28)
Well it has been three months for us, Dad has been a frequent guest at Lahey due to the VRE and his drains needing extra special attention. We spent his birthday in the hospital because he or shall we say his body just decided to give him a rough time with recovery. At this point it is safe to say that he can speak of himself in a third person since his body seems to be a foreign vessel keeping his spirit captive, he has a bile bag and a grenade bulb thingy hanging out of him still. He also has a pick line where he has to give him self antibiotics with a syringe. He has become his own Nurse. His pain level is still that of a nagging feeling and slight moves are a painful still. Sleeping in bed is not a comfortable with all that he has hanging out of him, but despite the pain and discomfort it beats the "dirt nap" and we still find lot's to laugh about.
I keep joking that we found the fountain of youth with this liver stuff. Dad is quite the slender man these days, minus the fact Dad will not grow his hair back, he is as thin as he was when he was 19 and he is sporting a 39 year old liver and had a double bi-pass which gave him the ticker of a 29 year old. Once he is fully healed, watch out people!! Haha. Me, well let's just say I lost some weight, am hormonally challenged and have regained the wonders of pimplehood, my hair is growing faster than ever too, (friggin grays!) ya I feel like I am 19 too.
Despite all the medical issues we still deal with, and I say we because, well, the way I see it, I gave my Dad a piece of my liver and until he is 100% back to himself and scaling the side of his sailboat to clean her for her seasonal summer travels I still feel like I am right there with him in this recovery. Dad is still ever the funny man. He and I are well known at the Lahey Clinic, Dad for his Bullshit Button (it's like the Easy Button but it calls BULLSHIT instead) that he has now passed on to Nicole one of the many Nurses who have given him the best care and laughter possible. The 6th Floor Central Nurses Station is now equipped with a Bullshit Button for those nights when they are dancing as fast as they can and the need for laughter is the only thing to get them through. The nursing staff on that floor are truly remarkable ladies. I am known as the "blog girl" room number 36 and the one who gave the "fellows" nicknames.
As for me 95% healed, my scar looks pretty awesome so I am told and I am not tired anymore. I am still anemic so I have to keep eating right and taking my vitamins like a good girl. I had my 3 month follow up and was cleared to go do whatever I want. I was told I could go tubing. I was so excited like a 12 year old but ummm HELLO!! I miss tubing seasoning by a week! Who makes these rules anyway?
Everything that has been put on hold is now picking up again for me, I start my new job in a few weeks, that will require a commute but the wanderer that I am it really does not matter. I have toyed with idea of moving closer to my new job, but the truth is I am not ready to leave my Dad yet until he is 100%, and of course moving inland away from the ocean would be terrible for me.
We are almost there and I will continue to update everyone on what is going on now with us, this journey has opened many doors. I will be part of an advocate program at some point for other Live Liver Donor's, I continue to reach out and meet other families like ours. We met the Fles Family, they are the father and daughter that did the same thing we did 9 days prior to us at Lahey. Broghann an 18 year old determined young lady donated a piece of her liver to her father Jack. In a word meeting Jack, Becky (Jack's wife) and Broghann at my 3 month follow was powerful. They are "family" the similarities in character especially in humor and love was utterly amazing, we talked, hugged joked and held hands for a very much needed healing circle prayer. Thanks to the internet we are all still in touch and will continue to be for years to come. I plan on becoming a loud and proud advocate for Live Liver Donation, because if I can do this and make it through anyone can...well ok maybe not anyone but I will do what ever I can to keep educating others.
Three months out I can now add to who I am...
I am friend, a sister, a mother, a cousin, a comedian by nature, a semi optimist mostly realist, an observer, a babbler, a writer, a dreamer, a LIVE LIVER DONOR and most importantly I am Greg Charbonneau's daughter.
I keep joking that we found the fountain of youth with this liver stuff. Dad is quite the slender man these days, minus the fact Dad will not grow his hair back, he is as thin as he was when he was 19 and he is sporting a 39 year old liver and had a double bi-pass which gave him the ticker of a 29 year old. Once he is fully healed, watch out people!! Haha. Me, well let's just say I lost some weight, am hormonally challenged and have regained the wonders of pimplehood, my hair is growing faster than ever too, (friggin grays!) ya I feel like I am 19 too.
Despite all the medical issues we still deal with, and I say we because, well, the way I see it, I gave my Dad a piece of my liver and until he is 100% back to himself and scaling the side of his sailboat to clean her for her seasonal summer travels I still feel like I am right there with him in this recovery. Dad is still ever the funny man. He and I are well known at the Lahey Clinic, Dad for his Bullshit Button (it's like the Easy Button but it calls BULLSHIT instead) that he has now passed on to Nicole one of the many Nurses who have given him the best care and laughter possible. The 6th Floor Central Nurses Station is now equipped with a Bullshit Button for those nights when they are dancing as fast as they can and the need for laughter is the only thing to get them through. The nursing staff on that floor are truly remarkable ladies. I am known as the "blog girl" room number 36 and the one who gave the "fellows" nicknames.
As for me 95% healed, my scar looks pretty awesome so I am told and I am not tired anymore. I am still anemic so I have to keep eating right and taking my vitamins like a good girl. I had my 3 month follow up and was cleared to go do whatever I want. I was told I could go tubing. I was so excited like a 12 year old but ummm HELLO!! I miss tubing seasoning by a week! Who makes these rules anyway?
Everything that has been put on hold is now picking up again for me, I start my new job in a few weeks, that will require a commute but the wanderer that I am it really does not matter. I have toyed with idea of moving closer to my new job, but the truth is I am not ready to leave my Dad yet until he is 100%, and of course moving inland away from the ocean would be terrible for me.
We are almost there and I will continue to update everyone on what is going on now with us, this journey has opened many doors. I will be part of an advocate program at some point for other Live Liver Donor's, I continue to reach out and meet other families like ours. We met the Fles Family, they are the father and daughter that did the same thing we did 9 days prior to us at Lahey. Broghann an 18 year old determined young lady donated a piece of her liver to her father Jack. In a word meeting Jack, Becky (Jack's wife) and Broghann at my 3 month follow was powerful. They are "family" the similarities in character especially in humor and love was utterly amazing, we talked, hugged joked and held hands for a very much needed healing circle prayer. Thanks to the internet we are all still in touch and will continue to be for years to come. I plan on becoming a loud and proud advocate for Live Liver Donation, because if I can do this and make it through anyone can...well ok maybe not anyone but I will do what ever I can to keep educating others.
Three months out I can now add to who I am...
I am friend, a sister, a mother, a cousin, a comedian by nature, a semi optimist mostly realist, an observer, a babbler, a writer, a dreamer, a LIVE LIVER DONOR and most importantly I am Greg Charbonneau's daughter.
Don't call it a Set Back........(pg 27)
I've been staring at the page for what seems like days
I guess I put this one off for a while
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes ?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried ? Every word was a piece of my heart.....(Bon Jovi)
Well this has been a very very emotional week and today it ended on a very good note. Dad is on his way home!!
Rewind:
Tuesday I had my follow up appointment and was cleared to drive and resume some normal life activities within reason. I do still get very tired and need to take every new day as a gift to keep pushing to get better, but there are still moments that I get annoyed at my limitations. I drove my car on Tuesday for the 1st time and I cant even begin to tell you how amazing it felt, best description is feeling 17 and having that very first moment of ass to driver seat, solo, just you, only you and "o my gawwwd I am driving" and I am gonna cruise the Ave and pick up my friends..ya it was like that. Of course the only place I went was to Dunkin Donuts to get hot chocolate,and since in today's technology world of having cell phones, I sent a text of my happy silly moment to the people that really understand my silly need to brag. What was interesting to me was there was this long line and for the very first time, as I looked around at the annoyed faces that were waiting in line I thought "if they only knew". Waiting for Dunkin Donuts is nothing in the grand scheme of things people!
In the mean time Dad has been sick, fevers and just plain 'ole looking gray and had Lynne and I very upset which lead to Lynne getting him an appointment with me.
I was driven to Lahey by a car service that my Cindy set up for me, Dad followed two hours behind me. My visit was full of laughter as always, I learned that my liver is about 80% back to it's original size but still growing and needing the TLC required to ensure proper growth. I was told to keep napping when my body says so..haha no need to tell me that twice. Naps are my favorite next to laughing.
Dad arrived with Lynne and my Aunt Sheila, I knew in my gut he would be admitted, and I made my concern and wish for him to be admitted to my People. One glance and it did not take a doctor to figure out that he needed quick and critical care. We were told in the very beginning of this journey that he would likely return to the hospital after his transplant, as it was almost common. Recipients are so fragile with all the meds and wound care that any little "bug" comes in contact with a recipient does not have the physical capability to fight. Dad was no exception, matter of fact I don't care how much machismo a man has this will surely take you down a few pegs on the sissy scale. Dad did argue he did not want to go back to Lahey, he was even mad at Lynne for bringing him. My last words to him at home were not very nice. I told him "you can piss and moan and bitch it out but you are going back and I DID NOT DO THIS FOR NOTHING". As much as I believe in what I said to him part of me was praying that these would not be my last words to him. The risk factors in this journey are high for both of us, but I have proven to be the resilient one thus far. I keep forgetting sometimes what I went through myself and I keep forgetting to take it slow too, especially because my Dad just seemed to not be at a place I thought he would be this far out and I was constantly feeling like I needed to take care of him too.
In fairness my father has been living like a sick person for almost two years and even I wanted this to be the quick fix he needed. Well considering who we are as a individuals and as a family, everything we do is always harder, unexplainable and most always the rarest form of anything.
My father presented early as having a urinary tract infection, and was given antibiotics however that was not what the final diagnosis was. Again, when we do things we do it big, better (or worse depends on how you see it) and rare. My Dad ended up with VRE and an abscess on his liver.
Short version of VRE:
VRE infection is caused by vancomycin resistant enterococcus, a type of antibiotic resistant bacteria that can be found in hospitals, and -- more rarely -- the community. Enterococcus bacteria, such as Enterococcus faecalis, normally inhabit the human bowel. However, they can cause infection if spread to other parts of the body, such as the bloodstream. Vancomycin is a drug that is often used to treat infections like these caused by enterococci. However, VRE poses a challenge because it is resistant to this strong antibiotic.
People who are susceptible for VRE infection are those with weakened immune systems, who are receiving antibiotic treatment (or who have previously received treatment for a long period of time), or who are already colonized with the bacteria. Most at risk are those hospitalized for surgery, in ICUs, or for long periods of time. Also, invasive lines or procedures -- e.g., surgery, Foley catheters, and IVs -- are a risk factor for VRE and other infections because they can introduce bacteria into areas of the body that are usually free of microbes.
Well that's the short of it, he was a prime candidate for this. Let alone that he was still on a level 7 of pain and still needing meds. Let's not forget the man has had his chest cracked open for a double bi-pass in 09. Thinking they should install a zipper now. He was admitted into the SICU at Lahey and because it is a teaching hospital he was given every single battery of test and they found a way to beat the VRE. They drained the abscess on his liver (wait isn't it my liver? still trying to figure this out.)
This medical world is so foreign to me but what a crash course I am getting. He was released today, but on heavy antibiotics, oxycodon, and now has two drains that I still need more education on, but I do know that they are called "grenades" (cause they look like little grenades hanging off a tube) The visiting nurse will be over tomorrow and I will get the full education as to what I may need to do for the next 3 weeks while he heals through this process. Visitors are on a limited basis right now basically so that he does not get any germs from anyone. We decided it best to keep this low key until we knew what we were dealing with and because sounding alarms would only make things worse for my Dad, he does not like being hovered over.
For me this was like holding my breath, I did ask the question out loud to the doctors if he was rejecting the transplant, they assured me again he was not. I am never afraid to ask the hard questions and can almost always handle the answers but the only answer I could handle was NO. I kept busy all week moving to Cindy's. Some how I thought this would be cathartic to move and keep brain busy, well all I did was cry because the thought of leaving "home" and he not be there and not knowing what to expect minute to minute was far to overwhelming. I will miss the 2 A.M. movie nights, pain med giggles, the commiserating and comparing of aches and pains but it is also time for my Dad to really own his recovery and find the mental ammunition to get in front of the pain, I know he will. He has come way to far to ever give up and we still have some father daughter things to accomplish.
I have been fortunate in the past two weeks because of my Blog to have met (via internet) people that are recipients, donors, family, friends and significant others of people struggling with Liver disease and it has been amazing. The comments, emails and new Facebook friends have been nothing short of enlightening and beautiful. Everyone's journey is different but in so many ways the same, the one thing we all agree on is that you are never alone in any struggle so long as you are open enough to reach for another hand. I have always been the last to reach but the first to offer, but this journey as changed so much about who I am or rather who I was. It has changed my Dad and Lynne forever too, so I would not call this a set back it is just a another bend in the road of this journey we are on.
I guess I put this one off for a while
Did I see a tear fall from your eyes ?
Or did you laugh so hard that you cried ? Every word was a piece of my heart.....(Bon Jovi)
Well this has been a very very emotional week and today it ended on a very good note. Dad is on his way home!!
Rewind:
Tuesday I had my follow up appointment and was cleared to drive and resume some normal life activities within reason. I do still get very tired and need to take every new day as a gift to keep pushing to get better, but there are still moments that I get annoyed at my limitations. I drove my car on Tuesday for the 1st time and I cant even begin to tell you how amazing it felt, best description is feeling 17 and having that very first moment of ass to driver seat, solo, just you, only you and "o my gawwwd I am driving" and I am gonna cruise the Ave and pick up my friends..ya it was like that. Of course the only place I went was to Dunkin Donuts to get hot chocolate,and since in today's technology world of having cell phones, I sent a text of my happy silly moment to the people that really understand my silly need to brag. What was interesting to me was there was this long line and for the very first time, as I looked around at the annoyed faces that were waiting in line I thought "if they only knew". Waiting for Dunkin Donuts is nothing in the grand scheme of things people!
In the mean time Dad has been sick, fevers and just plain 'ole looking gray and had Lynne and I very upset which lead to Lynne getting him an appointment with me.
I was driven to Lahey by a car service that my Cindy set up for me, Dad followed two hours behind me. My visit was full of laughter as always, I learned that my liver is about 80% back to it's original size but still growing and needing the TLC required to ensure proper growth. I was told to keep napping when my body says so..haha no need to tell me that twice. Naps are my favorite next to laughing.
Dad arrived with Lynne and my Aunt Sheila, I knew in my gut he would be admitted, and I made my concern and wish for him to be admitted to my People. One glance and it did not take a doctor to figure out that he needed quick and critical care. We were told in the very beginning of this journey that he would likely return to the hospital after his transplant, as it was almost common. Recipients are so fragile with all the meds and wound care that any little "bug" comes in contact with a recipient does not have the physical capability to fight. Dad was no exception, matter of fact I don't care how much machismo a man has this will surely take you down a few pegs on the sissy scale. Dad did argue he did not want to go back to Lahey, he was even mad at Lynne for bringing him. My last words to him at home were not very nice. I told him "you can piss and moan and bitch it out but you are going back and I DID NOT DO THIS FOR NOTHING". As much as I believe in what I said to him part of me was praying that these would not be my last words to him. The risk factors in this journey are high for both of us, but I have proven to be the resilient one thus far. I keep forgetting sometimes what I went through myself and I keep forgetting to take it slow too, especially because my Dad just seemed to not be at a place I thought he would be this far out and I was constantly feeling like I needed to take care of him too.
In fairness my father has been living like a sick person for almost two years and even I wanted this to be the quick fix he needed. Well considering who we are as a individuals and as a family, everything we do is always harder, unexplainable and most always the rarest form of anything.
My father presented early as having a urinary tract infection, and was given antibiotics however that was not what the final diagnosis was. Again, when we do things we do it big, better (or worse depends on how you see it) and rare. My Dad ended up with VRE and an abscess on his liver.
Short version of VRE:
VRE infection is caused by vancomycin resistant enterococcus, a type of antibiotic resistant bacteria that can be found in hospitals, and -- more rarely -- the community. Enterococcus bacteria, such as Enterococcus faecalis, normally inhabit the human bowel. However, they can cause infection if spread to other parts of the body, such as the bloodstream. Vancomycin is a drug that is often used to treat infections like these caused by enterococci. However, VRE poses a challenge because it is resistant to this strong antibiotic.
People who are susceptible for VRE infection are those with weakened immune systems, who are receiving antibiotic treatment (or who have previously received treatment for a long period of time), or who are already colonized with the bacteria. Most at risk are those hospitalized for surgery, in ICUs, or for long periods of time. Also, invasive lines or procedures -- e.g., surgery, Foley catheters, and IVs -- are a risk factor for VRE and other infections because they can introduce bacteria into areas of the body that are usually free of microbes.
Well that's the short of it, he was a prime candidate for this. Let alone that he was still on a level 7 of pain and still needing meds. Let's not forget the man has had his chest cracked open for a double bi-pass in 09. Thinking they should install a zipper now. He was admitted into the SICU at Lahey and because it is a teaching hospital he was given every single battery of test and they found a way to beat the VRE. They drained the abscess on his liver (wait isn't it my liver? still trying to figure this out.)
This medical world is so foreign to me but what a crash course I am getting. He was released today, but on heavy antibiotics, oxycodon, and now has two drains that I still need more education on, but I do know that they are called "grenades" (cause they look like little grenades hanging off a tube) The visiting nurse will be over tomorrow and I will get the full education as to what I may need to do for the next 3 weeks while he heals through this process. Visitors are on a limited basis right now basically so that he does not get any germs from anyone. We decided it best to keep this low key until we knew what we were dealing with and because sounding alarms would only make things worse for my Dad, he does not like being hovered over.
For me this was like holding my breath, I did ask the question out loud to the doctors if he was rejecting the transplant, they assured me again he was not. I am never afraid to ask the hard questions and can almost always handle the answers but the only answer I could handle was NO. I kept busy all week moving to Cindy's. Some how I thought this would be cathartic to move and keep brain busy, well all I did was cry because the thought of leaving "home" and he not be there and not knowing what to expect minute to minute was far to overwhelming. I will miss the 2 A.M. movie nights, pain med giggles, the commiserating and comparing of aches and pains but it is also time for my Dad to really own his recovery and find the mental ammunition to get in front of the pain, I know he will. He has come way to far to ever give up and we still have some father daughter things to accomplish.
I have been fortunate in the past two weeks because of my Blog to have met (via internet) people that are recipients, donors, family, friends and significant others of people struggling with Liver disease and it has been amazing. The comments, emails and new Facebook friends have been nothing short of enlightening and beautiful. Everyone's journey is different but in so many ways the same, the one thing we all agree on is that you are never alone in any struggle so long as you are open enough to reach for another hand. I have always been the last to reach but the first to offer, but this journey as changed so much about who I am or rather who I was. It has changed my Dad and Lynne forever too, so I would not call this a set back it is just a another bend in the road of this journey we are on.
One Month and Growing........(pg26)
“A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.”
Enid Bagnold Jan 29 2011, It is the one month Anniversary of Deliva da Liva!!
I have hesitated to write or to post anything because my Dad has been sick, he was running a fever and really was not looking good. I was scared and trying to figure out what I was thinking and feeling. I was afraid that he was "rejecting" my piece of liver and to be honest I could not wrap my mind around the "what if". Needless to say this journey is one that has had many risks and what if's and sometimes my humor is just is not there. Rejection on any level sucks as we all know, but what I was trying to brace myself for was, well let's just say I was having feelings of guilt, like a child that did something wrong and had a million other emotions that had no explanation. I let Lynne handle this, while I just hid in my room with my personal journal writing words that I hoped would ease the fear.
2/1/2011 It took Lynne and my Uncle Kevin 3 hours to get my Dad to Lahey due to this wonderful weather we are having. I stayed home with a huge case of cabin fever and trying to find distractions until I got word on what was up with Dad.
It turns out that he just had a bug and some antibiotics did the trick. His piece of my liver is working, growing and grafting as it should. My Dad's healing is going to take much longer than me, he did have the worse case of HPS, and was living on the lowest amount of oxygen before the surgery. It will take time for his body to "learn" to be fully functional which for him is frustrating, because he has been living as a sick person for so long that it seems like it will never end. It will, he knows it, we know it but it does not lessen the frustration of not being able to just get up and go.
As for me, I am no longer living like an infant where I was sleeping 4 hours and awake for 2. I can take a shower with out wanting to pass out. I can sneeze, touch my big toe to my nose, my knee to my chin, semi run up the stairs, stay awake all day and eat normally. Now you laugh, well let me tell you a week ago I was still feeling like a just a warm useless body. What is amazing is how every little thing you do every day, from simply bending over to blow drying your hair you take for granted, well they were all difficult for me to do, but everyday I have been able to do something that seems so small but to me is a "YIPPY" moment. The one thing I so need to do is drive, I am wanderer and my greatest joy is the freedom to just get in the car, blast my tunes and roam, but the weather is really hindering this last piece I need to feel like I am back to me. My scar is still a little tender and seriously it is so itchy sometimes I feel like I need to stick my hand down my throat and scratch myself on the inside. I am told this just means I am healing.
So what have I learned one month out from surgery? Never take anything or anyone for granted, it truly is the little things that matter the most. People may offer you help and they have great intentions in their words, but you truly learn who you can count on in times like these. I have a handful of friends that have really stepped up, my gratitude is immense and I believe they know who they are. Family is everything and learning to be vulnerable and ask for help has been a whole new world for me too. I learned that as much as I believe that laughing is the best healer I also learned that crying also has it's place in the process too. I would do this all over again, with out a doubt except the one thing that I believe needs to be in this process of testing is the human perspective. Everything is so clinical, and you have consultations with everyone under the sun and it leaves you just feeling like a lab rat at times. I believe that with in the process every single person that is deciding to be a donor should speak to someone like me to get the "real deal" and be able to ask questions that are based on experience from a person that actually had the surgery and not the people who are performing it. Meeting the Sullivans two days before my surgery was divine intervention, but some things should just be part of the program and not an option. So again, yes I would do this, I have no regrets and this Friday is my one month follow up at Lahey and truly am looking forward to seeing my "people" and share some laughter. I will learn how much of my liver has grown in a month too!
Snow Globe Living and Pajama Jeans? (pg 25)
To quote a dear friend: "I feel like I am living in a snow globe"! It is not bad enough that my patience is on the lowest end of a scale (if there was a scale of measurement for such a virtue) but seriously all this snow is hindering progress here. Ok, well that's a bit dramatic, cause the latest is:
I have been off pain meds for 3 days now, am able to sleep on my belly and actually slept a whole 8 hours like a normal person last night. I woke up and accomplished some errands via the internet, had some long over due conversations with some favorites. Than I decide ok, I am gonna go make me some food, uhuh ummm ya...that is when my body said "please lady go back to bed your not strong enough yet". So frustrating, I get brain busy and then try to just do normal stuff but......ya I know I am growing a liver, right? Dad, he too is still having the frustration wanting to make bigger strides, but he definitely is, I see it, even if he does not. Truth is we both are but since I am his child it makes perfect sense that neither of us feel like we are getting better. He no longer needs the visiting nurse and is becoming more independent with his own basic needs, but he is still on the oxygen but that will take time. One day I will be writing that he is sailing somewhere minus the O2.
As for Lynne the snow gives her a good excuse to go outside and "exercise", while all I can do is watch the snow collect on Libby, my Jeep and think man I wanna drive her so bad!! It would not surprise me if she built her self a igloo just to have a place to hide from Dad and I. Our discussions are usually about twisted potty humor, aches and pains that would aggravate anyone that has been stuck listening to this for as long as she has.
I wear every variation of sweat suits and pajama's and a constant pony tail daily. All I wanna do is wear my normal clothes and get in my Jeep and just drive till the air gets warmer and I can stand in the ocean. Every day is a day closer to that and now that I am awake and have my clarity back, the writer, the planner, the gotta go in me is coming back faster and stronger then ever, this will be a great year with out a doubt. I have many doors to revisit and just say "yes" to. I am grateful for the friends that are more like sisters and a brother that have been continuing to reassure me that all that I started prior to this is still waiting for me and have the balls to tell me to "shut up" "slow down" "let me help" and "just rest". Soon I will be finishing my rehabilitating with Cindy at her home, with her help the walk before the "run" will do me good, as I miss the mirth of my Ladies and their children and to be surrounded by them and their beautiful light is truly the best medicine.
I was thinking since I feel like everything is so far away, like wearing regular clothes and driving, maybe I should buy some Pajama jeans and get on the stationary bike....hmmmm...could help....
"She loves the serene brutality of the ocean, loves the electric power she felt with each breath of wet, briny air."
I have been off pain meds for 3 days now, am able to sleep on my belly and actually slept a whole 8 hours like a normal person last night. I woke up and accomplished some errands via the internet, had some long over due conversations with some favorites. Than I decide ok, I am gonna go make me some food, uhuh ummm ya...that is when my body said "please lady go back to bed your not strong enough yet". So frustrating, I get brain busy and then try to just do normal stuff but......ya I know I am growing a liver, right? Dad, he too is still having the frustration wanting to make bigger strides, but he definitely is, I see it, even if he does not. Truth is we both are but since I am his child it makes perfect sense that neither of us feel like we are getting better. He no longer needs the visiting nurse and is becoming more independent with his own basic needs, but he is still on the oxygen but that will take time. One day I will be writing that he is sailing somewhere minus the O2.
As for Lynne the snow gives her a good excuse to go outside and "exercise", while all I can do is watch the snow collect on Libby, my Jeep and think man I wanna drive her so bad!! It would not surprise me if she built her self a igloo just to have a place to hide from Dad and I. Our discussions are usually about twisted potty humor, aches and pains that would aggravate anyone that has been stuck listening to this for as long as she has.
I wear every variation of sweat suits and pajama's and a constant pony tail daily. All I wanna do is wear my normal clothes and get in my Jeep and just drive till the air gets warmer and I can stand in the ocean. Every day is a day closer to that and now that I am awake and have my clarity back, the writer, the planner, the gotta go in me is coming back faster and stronger then ever, this will be a great year with out a doubt. I have many doors to revisit and just say "yes" to. I am grateful for the friends that are more like sisters and a brother that have been continuing to reassure me that all that I started prior to this is still waiting for me and have the balls to tell me to "shut up" "slow down" "let me help" and "just rest". Soon I will be finishing my rehabilitating with Cindy at her home, with her help the walk before the "run" will do me good, as I miss the mirth of my Ladies and their children and to be surrounded by them and their beautiful light is truly the best medicine.
I was thinking since I feel like everything is so far away, like wearing regular clothes and driving, maybe I should buy some Pajama jeans and get on the stationary bike....hmmmm...could help....
Living like Cats (pg 24)
Jan 19th 2011
Ok so they (Lahey) did say that I would only want to eat and sleep living like a Cat. So far since last week all
I have accomplished is:
Nap 4 hours, eat something high in protein awake for 2 hours, nap for 4 hours, watch tv that I can not comprehend anything, take a shower that makes me need to nap immediately after for 1 hour. Than it is eat and sleep some more. I try to avoid mirrors or perhaps it is that I can no longer be seen in mirrors since Igor the anesthesiologist got to me, hmmm Vampire? Nah hate blood, but holy mess when I look in the mirror I see a super white almost glistening white chick, ya not pretty, avoidance is key! I definitely try to force my self to do more, my brain says get moving lazy ass, but my body she feels like broken doll parts.
Cindy did get me out the house last Saturday for 3 hours, my eyebrows looked like Snufalupagus's sister, so we tamed them and she took me to Not Your Average Joe's for lunch, mid way through she knew it was time to go I was ready to face plant in my plate and just snooze. It felt good to get out, to breath in the air and be grateful for what I have and who I have and not once think of the have not's. My son came home from his Hobo Outdoor Woodsman Camping trip down the Florida Keys, he left right after my surgery and his sense of adventure, wisdom and confidence along with him sending me pictures helped me through some rough healing moments too.
O yeah I have my moments when I cry like I am 5 cause it hurts and the shear gravity of this journey when you stop and think about it really is something words can not describe but some how tears make it all ok, if that makes any sense. None of it is sadness I just truly I have no words to explain so I guess crying is what gets me through to the next day since I have no patience!!
My scar is healing pretty nicely, my yukky smelly booboo near my belly button has healed up and I am bandage free and o yeah I show my scar to anyone who asks, lol, cause well I am not shy and it is a testament to the miracles that can happen if you only just believe. Someone said to me once, "when you gonna get it, no one cares and no one is watching" Well I care and a I am always watching and that is what matters because it only takes one person to care to make a change.
I like to think someday I will write a book about my eclectic life I have lived, but I am not ready to write it all yet the best is still to come, of that I am sure. So for now I will just blog and live like a cat..........
Ok so they (Lahey) did say that I would only want to eat and sleep living like a Cat. So far since last week all
I have accomplished is:
Nap 4 hours, eat something high in protein awake for 2 hours, nap for 4 hours, watch tv that I can not comprehend anything, take a shower that makes me need to nap immediately after for 1 hour. Than it is eat and sleep some more. I try to avoid mirrors or perhaps it is that I can no longer be seen in mirrors since Igor the anesthesiologist got to me, hmmm Vampire? Nah hate blood, but holy mess when I look in the mirror I see a super white almost glistening white chick, ya not pretty, avoidance is key! I definitely try to force my self to do more, my brain says get moving lazy ass, but my body she feels like broken doll parts.
Cindy did get me out the house last Saturday for 3 hours, my eyebrows looked like Snufalupagus's sister, so we tamed them and she took me to Not Your Average Joe's for lunch, mid way through she knew it was time to go I was ready to face plant in my plate and just snooze. It felt good to get out, to breath in the air and be grateful for what I have and who I have and not once think of the have not's. My son came home from his Hobo Outdoor Woodsman Camping trip down the Florida Keys, he left right after my surgery and his sense of adventure, wisdom and confidence along with him sending me pictures helped me through some rough healing moments too.
 |
| Tommy's Camp view from across the way. |
O yeah I have my moments when I cry like I am 5 cause it hurts and the shear gravity of this journey when you stop and think about it really is something words can not describe but some how tears make it all ok, if that makes any sense. None of it is sadness I just truly I have no words to explain so I guess crying is what gets me through to the next day since I have no patience!!
My scar is healing pretty nicely, my yukky smelly booboo near my belly button has healed up and I am bandage free and o yeah I show my scar to anyone who asks, lol, cause well I am not shy and it is a testament to the miracles that can happen if you only just believe. Someone said to me once, "when you gonna get it, no one cares and no one is watching" Well I care and a I am always watching and that is what matters because it only takes one person to care to make a change.
I like to think someday I will write a book about my eclectic life I have lived, but I am not ready to write it all yet the best is still to come, of that I am sure. So for now I will just blog and live like a cat..........
Follow up Appoinments...(pg23)
Jan 10, 2011.
Yesterday was Lynne's birthday the 9th, and despite taking care of us two drug induced Nimrods I think this was a good one for her. We made it to Lahey for our 1 week follow up, let's just say if you have small children than you know what Lynne had to go through with packing up the car to get us up there. She employed her sister Sue to help, hahaha seriously if only I had my wits about me to take pictures or flipcam this ride. Sue trying to avoid bumps, taking wrong directions from my Dad who was ummm just a little bit high on pain meds and Lynne constantly looking in the back seat to see if we were both sitting up right and asking if we need "snacks". Me just staring at my Dad cause well Vicadin makes you do weird things, hahaha, we truly were two Bobo's in the back seat and if we licked windows I don't think anyone would have thought less of us on this day.
Our appointments went well, Dad has to go back every week, me not till the Jan. 25th. I was told I am healing quickly (speaking of the incision only) my blood work showed all my 42% of what is left of my liver is growing and that all functions are normal. Even though I still have a funky open wound that kinda stinks, they said it was fine, ya whatever who I am to argue. Sue stayed with me, haha poor thing she was introduced to the constant go here go there Lahey schedule we have endured, like me she has no stomach for this medical stuff, but she taped up my bandaged pretty awesome compared to the first the taping I had. O Susie, how I love her, she and I have a great history and her sense of humor that helped get through this day.
Lynne was with Dad for his appointments and he too is getting there, he has yet to take any of is diabetic meds (he was on insulin) so hmmm perhaps he got some magic from me in the form of my liver. This day was the longest day ever so it seemed, we arrived back home around 2pm and that was the end of the day and night for us..we slept till midnight and than met in the living room around 1am for some Eldurado with John Wayne, not one of my favorite John Wayne's but whatever it's 1am.
Yesterday was Lynne's birthday the 9th, and despite taking care of us two drug induced Nimrods I think this was a good one for her. We made it to Lahey for our 1 week follow up, let's just say if you have small children than you know what Lynne had to go through with packing up the car to get us up there. She employed her sister Sue to help, hahaha seriously if only I had my wits about me to take pictures or flipcam this ride. Sue trying to avoid bumps, taking wrong directions from my Dad who was ummm just a little bit high on pain meds and Lynne constantly looking in the back seat to see if we were both sitting up right and asking if we need "snacks". Me just staring at my Dad cause well Vicadin makes you do weird things, hahaha, we truly were two Bobo's in the back seat and if we licked windows I don't think anyone would have thought less of us on this day.
Our appointments went well, Dad has to go back every week, me not till the Jan. 25th. I was told I am healing quickly (speaking of the incision only) my blood work showed all my 42% of what is left of my liver is growing and that all functions are normal. Even though I still have a funky open wound that kinda stinks, they said it was fine, ya whatever who I am to argue. Sue stayed with me, haha poor thing she was introduced to the constant go here go there Lahey schedule we have endured, like me she has no stomach for this medical stuff, but she taped up my bandaged pretty awesome compared to the first the taping I had. O Susie, how I love her, she and I have a great history and her sense of humor that helped get through this day.
Lynne was with Dad for his appointments and he too is getting there, he has yet to take any of is diabetic meds (he was on insulin) so hmmm perhaps he got some magic from me in the form of my liver. This day was the longest day ever so it seemed, we arrived back home around 2pm and that was the end of the day and night for us..we slept till midnight and than met in the living room around 1am for some Eldurado with John Wayne, not one of my favorite John Wayne's but whatever it's 1am.
Daddy's Home (pg 22)
1/6/2011 After my week of ache, pains and just down right feeling like I got hit by a truck, and yessa I sure do look like caca too. My Auntie Sue came to visit me and her visit did me good, we giggled and reminisced and if you know my Auntie Sue than you know how funny she is, and although she has he own daughter Ashley my Auntie and I have always had a close relationship. It's funny when you get older and have your own children that sometimes you forget all the silliness of your childhood growing up in a large family. We Charbonneau's despite how large this family is we are close and it would never be fair to say that I went through this journey alone,(though there are moments that I do feel alone, cause well, your pain is your pain and it can not be shared, so you cry a little and than you just suck it up) this family truly knows when to come close and keep the laughter going to get through whatever crisis that is going on. So anyway Dad came home and it was not a great luxury ride home for him either, truthful to say he looked like crap too. His first two night were as bad as mine, painful but grateful to be ALIVE!! The gravity of what I did finally started to sink in when the only thing my Dad could and wanted to was to hug Lynne and I. Once again we tried to not cry or laugh because every basic function has a consequence of "ouch".
I finally slept for 4 hours straight comfortably.
The days to follow Dad and I sleep like infants, eat a little, stay up late watching old movies and talking about everything and nothing. For every 2 days that I heal he is right behind me healing too. It has been comical because he and I discuss the new "ouch" in places where the swelling has gone down. We have what I like to refer to as Frankenstein Belly's. Dad has drains that need to be emptied. Lynne and some of the visiting nurses handle that cause ummmm eeewwww, I have just finally been able to look at my boo boo. I am not one for blood and goopy stuff. Every medical professional in my family and extended all tell me my incision looks beautiful and it will heal awesome, ya blah blah..if ya ask me it's just gross and it can be covered. Ya I am kinda vain, but so what, my mother raised me to not go out in your pajama's and at the very least throw on some mascara cause sometimes that's all ya got when you feel like a truck hit to make you feel girly again. Dad was growing a beard, due to the effort to shave was to hard and potential dangerous, haha, I was 11 when I last saw him with a beard,but he looked pretty cool. Despite our aches and pains, the Vicodan I take and the Oxycodon he takes makes us become super silly, poor Lynne she needs a vacation cause our humor can be pretty twisted and apparently I my babble and my father's babble just goes on and on. The dreams I have on this stuff, I feel like I am in a constant kaleidoscope of psychedelic I should have been a child of the 60's kinda of stuff. I am only taking this stuff twice a day now and finally able to sleep on my both my right and left side, I can shower and put on my own pajama's and I am still a Toy's R Us kid!!
I finally slept for 4 hours straight comfortably.
The days to follow Dad and I sleep like infants, eat a little, stay up late watching old movies and talking about everything and nothing. For every 2 days that I heal he is right behind me healing too. It has been comical because he and I discuss the new "ouch" in places where the swelling has gone down. We have what I like to refer to as Frankenstein Belly's. Dad has drains that need to be emptied. Lynne and some of the visiting nurses handle that cause ummmm eeewwww, I have just finally been able to look at my boo boo. I am not one for blood and goopy stuff. Every medical professional in my family and extended all tell me my incision looks beautiful and it will heal awesome, ya blah blah..if ya ask me it's just gross and it can be covered. Ya I am kinda vain, but so what, my mother raised me to not go out in your pajama's and at the very least throw on some mascara cause sometimes that's all ya got when you feel like a truck hit to make you feel girly again. Dad was growing a beard, due to the effort to shave was to hard and potential dangerous, haha, I was 11 when I last saw him with a beard,but he looked pretty cool. Despite our aches and pains, the Vicodan I take and the Oxycodon he takes makes us become super silly, poor Lynne she needs a vacation cause our humor can be pretty twisted and apparently I my babble and my father's babble just goes on and on. The dreams I have on this stuff, I feel like I am in a constant kaleidoscope of psychedelic I should have been a child of the 60's kinda of stuff. I am only taking this stuff twice a day now and finally able to sleep on my both my right and left side, I can shower and put on my own pajama's and I am still a Toy's R Us kid!!
Discharge and Babble On...........(pg 21)
1/3/2011.....So my Nurse Regina(?) I just cant seem to remember any of their names except Jenny and Kerri, which I feel bad about cause they deserve some recognition for all they did for me. Anyway she comes into my room and laughs cause I had about 8 to 10 pillows and pretty much made my bed a cradle and says "Well woman your outta here, finally get your own bed". Now most would be over joyed, me I was scared for many reasons. One I did not want to leave my Dad, I wanted us to come home together and mostly because I had no idea how I was gonna handle the pain that was going to come. Yes I had and have Lynne but this was a whole new chapter of this journey my brain could not wrap around. Lynne and my Gramma came for me and before I left I stopped to see Dad to say good bye and whoa the tears just fell out and I remember thinking it but never saying it that I did not want to leave there unless I was guaranteed he would come home too, nothing is guaranteed in life and even though I knew he would be fine it still was scary. Some where in this I kept forgetting I am 39, but when it is your parent no matter how old you are everything you know about maturity eludes you. I left my Dad my Squeeze pillow pet with the promise that he bring it home.
The best part of the ride home was actually pulling into the drive way and sitting on the porch for 10 minutes to feel the cold air, get rid of the hospital smell and just feel alive.
I thank the gods, the goddess's and who or whatever higher being there is for Lynne, the next 3 days she took care of me in ways that I can never even find the right words to say thank you. The pain was intense, showering was a project and changing my dressings.....lets just say I have yet to really look at my wounds. I am covered in bruises from the pick lines and have been moving like I am dragging 2000lbs of broken bones around. I could not seem to manage my pain with the meds they gave me mostly because I was not able to eat well enough. I cried (and I still cry) I tried to find a position to sleep that was comfortable, and for three days I just could not sleep. Lynne and I sat on the bathroom floor one night because I got such a head rush from trying to do to much to fast and I could not figure out if I was gonna vomit or pass out, and she just sat there with me until I pulled it together. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say I felt helpless and needing help, I have always been the "helper" or just sucked up what ever my malfunction was and dealt with it, but Lynne made me feel really ok to just be vulnerable and hold her hand.
A lot my problem was anxiety because my Dad was not home yet and no matter what I tried I could only sleep 2 hours at a time. Lynne and I spent odd hours nibbling on food and tea and watching tv. I am grateful that for the first 3 days that I was home that my Dad was not because it would have been way to much for Lynne and it was the time I needed to get it together so that when Dad did come home I could be more independent to allow Lynne to care for him. Plus we had a some good girl giggles and bonding.
I have to say I feel bad for woman that have a Stepmom that they are not close with like I am with Lynne, I am fortunate beyond measure, I have two Mom's and both my Mom and SMum have been great influences in my life, and my love for both of them is equal, I have never felt that I needed to chose. I love and respect Lynne as if she is my biological mother but she is also my best friend and spending time with her is always fun, and the laughter and memories we have created through this journey I could babble on about forever.
The best part of the ride home was actually pulling into the drive way and sitting on the porch for 10 minutes to feel the cold air, get rid of the hospital smell and just feel alive.
I thank the gods, the goddess's and who or whatever higher being there is for Lynne, the next 3 days she took care of me in ways that I can never even find the right words to say thank you. The pain was intense, showering was a project and changing my dressings.....lets just say I have yet to really look at my wounds. I am covered in bruises from the pick lines and have been moving like I am dragging 2000lbs of broken bones around. I could not seem to manage my pain with the meds they gave me mostly because I was not able to eat well enough. I cried (and I still cry) I tried to find a position to sleep that was comfortable, and for three days I just could not sleep. Lynne and I sat on the bathroom floor one night because I got such a head rush from trying to do to much to fast and I could not figure out if I was gonna vomit or pass out, and she just sat there with me until I pulled it together. This is the first time in my life that I can honestly say I felt helpless and needing help, I have always been the "helper" or just sucked up what ever my malfunction was and dealt with it, but Lynne made me feel really ok to just be vulnerable and hold her hand.
A lot my problem was anxiety because my Dad was not home yet and no matter what I tried I could only sleep 2 hours at a time. Lynne and I spent odd hours nibbling on food and tea and watching tv. I am grateful that for the first 3 days that I was home that my Dad was not because it would have been way to much for Lynne and it was the time I needed to get it together so that when Dad did come home I could be more independent to allow Lynne to care for him. Plus we had a some good girl giggles and bonding.
I have to say I feel bad for woman that have a Stepmom that they are not close with like I am with Lynne, I am fortunate beyond measure, I have two Mom's and both my Mom and SMum have been great influences in my life, and my love for both of them is equal, I have never felt that I needed to chose. I love and respect Lynne as if she is my biological mother but she is also my best friend and spending time with her is always fun, and the laughter and memories we have created through this journey I could babble on about forever.
Nazi Nurse!!!! (pg 20)
Jan 2nd...ah yes lucky ole me and the joys of female indoor plumbing, not only have I been sliced open and have bruises and tubes sticking out of me but I get my period!! Not at all accommodating is the Nazi Nurse I had this day...I tell her what I need and she looks at me and says o well I don't think we have that but I will get you something..o gee lady thanks! ( she speaks in a thick Lithuanian accent and is not at all as sweet and nice as my other Nurses) She comes back with those things men just never want to hear about so I will keep it light, anyway my iron is low, my potassium is low and my magnesium is low..well Hello I wonder why!?! Now I am no Nurse or Doctor nor ever want to be but even I know what is going here. So later around 8pm she comes back to my room after all my visitors had left. Kellie, Joc, Julie, Tony, Wendy and Johnny which I would like to say thank you for coming and I am not responsible for anything I may have said or how I looked. Got Eyebrows that look like Snuffalupagus! So anyway Nazi nurse comes back with a drip juice bag and shoves another line in my arm to give me potassium chloride, this people was like battery acid being dripped into me! I cried like a little girl, big baby doll tears and all begging her to take it out that I could not handle anymore. She said NO, you need this and walked out of my room. All I know is a fired off semi plea for help to Denise via Itouch and with in minutes she was back taking it out and giving me a powder mix to drink. I never saw her again after that, her bedside manner was horrible and she had no sense of humor, I hope she and I never meet again in a desolate hospital hallway cause she will be eating a bed pan.
This was the only and one incident that was horrible at my stay at Lahey. The days I was there it was mostly filled with alot of pain meds and laughter. I gave my Dad the "bullshit button" for Christmas which he brought with him to the hospital, it is like the Easy Button just says a few Bullshit quibs, but it was a hit and us Charbonneau's became the favorite's of the Nurses. I also feel that I must advise to never watch T.V. there since it is $12.75 a day and ya I still can't get past that, but they give you 2 free channels one being PBS, ya ummm drugs and the Electric Company do not mix I was over stimulated like a lunatic toddler and having some amazing techna color dreams.
This was the only and one incident that was horrible at my stay at Lahey. The days I was there it was mostly filled with alot of pain meds and laughter. I gave my Dad the "bullshit button" for Christmas which he brought with him to the hospital, it is like the Easy Button just says a few Bullshit quibs, but it was a hit and us Charbonneau's became the favorite's of the Nurses. I also feel that I must advise to never watch T.V. there since it is $12.75 a day and ya I still can't get past that, but they give you 2 free channels one being PBS, ya ummm drugs and the Electric Company do not mix I was over stimulated like a lunatic toddler and having some amazing techna color dreams.
Happy New Year!! (pg 19)
So it's 5a.m. in the Lahey Clinic and Dad is finally on the same floor as me, I did sleep for four hours straight after the 900th time of asking the nurses if he was ok, since I only got to see him for a short bit earlier. So I decided to Grab Alaris my Bartender and have a nurse walk with me to my father's room to share New Years Day at 5am. The Nurse tells me O you can go anywhere you like with out asking us..Really!?! my eyes are rolling around my head and I am wearing a "Fall Risk" bracelet but hey ok...with a good mix of Diloted and Adavan I stumble to Dad's side of the world. They kept us apart to so we would have to walk to each other. Dad and I had a chit chat and for the first time in 39 years I felt like I was 4 all over again. I found the smallest space in bed next to my Dad in the crook of his arm and we cried, not sure for what or why, but we did. We kept telling each other not to cry cause holy hot mess it HURT!!! He calls me his Hero, not so sure how I feel about such a title,sort does not fit because well he would have done it for me. Needless to say between the pain and the drugs I dragged ass back to my side of the world, where screamer lady finally shut up and went to sleep. New Years Day was in my opinion a Beautiful Blurr.
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